[12. 1. 09 // @ 9 : 02 pm] why, hello world. these past few days have not been short of weariness and anxiety and everything else associated with exams. hell when was the last time i sat for a paper? what 2? 3? years. i don't feel good, don't feel good at all for this semester. but deep inside, i am praying so damn hard that i will not do that badly either. just by that stroke of luck please. thursday it all ends and after that, it's about making my life more meaningful. guitar lessons with friend, Tim (i am practically buying time to spend with this friend, Mr I Am Too Busy, hurh, heh) swimming lessons with Elliot (?) hopefully hmm... prawning with the family! Sentosa with Naz, Dino and Hanna JB with the guys Cruise! with Kenneth, David and PH Meeting up with the NS friends, HENRI! Countdown with Zul and gang! picnic anyone? i bought a hammock =)) kite flying? just spending time at home watching DVDs and Charmed? but before anything else......... once exam ends on Thursday, i want to catch PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, i know i know.. sloowww but got exams what, lol. God, just a 4, please. and you.......i don't know what else to say. cmnt

[11. 27. 09 // @ 12 : 00 am] and i said before i will say it again i wish you all the best for your step closer to the 2 things you want. brace myself, it's going to hurt so damn bad. cmnt

[11. 25. 09 // @ 12 : 51 am] [ music | A Bird's Song ] yes i do have a small tiny heart. and because of that, i get upset very easily, merajuk they call it in Malay. but i won't say anything about it. because i made a promise to myself not to complain anymore. yes i do have a small tiny heart add highly sensitive and fragility to it too. cmnt

[11. 13. 09 // @ 12 : 03 am] truth be told, i really hope that you would get to read this. i need the assurance i need the honesty i could go on and write a whole list of things that i am thinking right now of what i am feeling but i feel it won't do any good or justice. i feel i do not have enough writing power to jot them down least to say string them into coherent sentences to capture the full essence or to bring enough justice and weight to them. the magnitude of it all cannot be described in mere sentences or words that will probably come out awkward or less potent. or maybe because i don't know how else to say them how else to put them i am at my wits' end and i don't know how else to broach this matter or reach out to you anymore all i am asking is for you to recall all the times to reminisce all the events you asked why i still keep the mesages because they remind me of the old you the you that i miss the you who shared everything the you who made the effort to communicate in many random ways the you who listened who always asked how i was real and genuine more than anything else. i've sacrificed in so many ways just to keep this going. you don't have to apologise. all i am asking is for you to understand to internalize to assure to be honest. cmnt

[11. 2. 09 // @ 9 : 15 pm] we talked about honesty. my assurance is i am as honest as i could. in fact, i've never been more honest and open like i said. whoever or whatever i portray myself to be to you, is who i really am. now my question is are you honest with me? are you who you claim yourself to be, the image you portray and try your best to uphold? have you been honest with me all this while? hmm.... because, honestly, i don't know.   cmnt

by the time you read this, it's probably too late. [10. 22. 09 // @ 11 : 10 pm] how do i tell you what my true feelings are for you? my real feelings are? they will freak the hell out of you, like they did for me. it's weird. weird so much so it's wrong. i can't see myself losing the importance. i think i have fallen. (but it doesn't matter.it doesn't change anything)  i can make a list of things that will change. things will change,bb. there you have it. for everything else, i am sorry. this is the last. goodbye LiveJournal. cmnt

[10. 21. 09 // @ 11 : 21 pm] honestly WTF IS WRONG WITH MY MARKS? WTF IS WRONG WITH MY WORK? WHY THE FUCK AM I GETTING SUCH FUCKING LOW MEDIOCRE MARKS? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\ honestly, WTF IS WRONG! and honestly, if i am such a bore, just tell me, really. just be honest. and like always, you are too dense to understand or notice. or is it you just don't care. or you're just too caught up with the "new Man syndrome"   read(+1)cmnt

Bird-Day and Halloween [10. 20. 09 // @ 1 : 36 pm] i have been going to many birthday parties for the past weekends and i mean like really a lot. January and February must have been good months to make love and babies. Anyhow, attending those parties really brought back memories of my own 21st birthday party. I must say it was one of the best, in fact, the best party i have ever organised. I really enjoyed myself and i hope those who attended enjoyed it too. The planning and the logistics required were really a mammoth task but thankfully i had two sidekicks to help  me. Not that i am saying the parties i attended were boring or not as enjoyable. They were, from the really simple one at Pastamania and Esplanade to the after celebration puking session in the MRT to the simple classy orgasmic food at Outback Steakhouse to the very elaborate thematic party (New York) at a function room in a condo. Seeing the birthday boys and girls getting their presents, enjoying their special day and even getting to celebrate their special day with their special ones really put a smile on my face. Shikin celebrated her birthday with her chopper pilot to be, Yanho Nazeera celebrated her birthday with her club boyfriend, Dino. Sweet eyy Sidenote: honestly Naz, you're one lucky biatch especially with what Dino did to the room, wahh.....aku pun cair kalau orang buat gitu untuk aku...hahahahah Jokes aside, looking at Nazeera's pictures of how she celebrated her 21st with her parents and Dino and subsequently Dino's surprise for her.......indescribable. Suddenly, all of us wish for that kind of treatment too. and yes, your pussy moments, there are worth it, lol. And yeah, whoever thought that Naz would actually partake in monogamy and steadfastness eventually..hahahha either ways, you should be contented best friend. really. yes aku jealous.lol. but of course i will not forget my 20th birthday aye? i had my share of happiness then. like they say, it always starts with a work or non- personal meetup but it can always lead  to something more than that, no?.hmm.... but like what i say, no obligation. no obligation. it's personal choice. it's the sense of prerogative. tak guna ada mata kalau tak tahu melihat tak guna ada hati kalau tak tahu menilai. read(+9)cmnt

[10. 19. 09 // @ 3 : 19 am] it's the littlle little things you overlook. read(+2)cmnt

life's little humour [10. 16. 09 // @ 12 : 53 am] today, i thought 2009 could not get any better. today, i thought for once in my life, i understood how contentment feels. today, i thought i was King of the World, everything was just going on fine. It did, really. I won't kid you. Today is the best day or at least one of the best days of my life, like really one of the BEST days of my life. but then i realised, i am not just yet contented. probably i never will for that one thing i really want, i can never get. never. to you i really wish you would get the two things you really want that will make your life complete and fill with contentment. i am sure that is what you really want too. and when that happens, i know my work is done and i will take my leave. call me whatever you want but i know it's the best for both of us. well at least for me. though it will hurt so really bad, i know i still have to leave. cmnt

[10. 12. 09 // @ 1 : 27 am] i've just had about enough of this. time to move on and really let go. on to even greater things in life. cmnt

[10. 10. 09 // @ 10 : 30 pm] it is a sad event when all you have done or you could ever do, all boil down to nothing. it's like you have nothing else left to say or do. and then you contemplate again whether to leave or not. cause you feel so darn unappreciated. maybe you're expecting too much. and you stagnate, you leave but you know you will gravitate back eventually, somehow. pergilah kau pergi ku takkan menanti. read(+1)cmnt

Mama do [10. 8. 09 // @ 12 : 07 am] Mother (to brother): kalau orang dah tak layan, jangan terhegeh- hegeh. you're right Mother you're right. read(+1)cmnt

[10. 5. 09 // @ 7 : 26 pm] by far the most fulfilling and satisfying conversation we've ever had. now tell me: how do you actually let someone know of your innermost feelings without telling him/her? any takes, dear readers? read(+2)cmnt

A Step Back. [10. 4. 09 // @ 11 : 44 am] I'll walk alone, babe. i always do. cmnt

Shakespeare [10. 1. 09 // @ 3 : 17 pm] Got back my Lit midterm paper back today. Damn it. It felt like JC all over again when you tried so hard, you think you will do well. ahh crap. everyone else is so much better. Just feel so lousy. And this is only Lit. I cannot imagine my Singapore Studies or New Media results! and to think that i wore my luck underwear today just in case, just that teeny weeny bit of hope, i will get better result. cmnt

[9. 27. 09 // @ 8 : 10 pm] all i am asking for is your honesty the transparency i wish you could tell me everything i wish we could have some form of communication everyday i wish i could know what's going on in your life. the assurance that you care too. but then again, i realised there is no obligation on your part to do so. Sundays like this make me so depressed. Finally i understand what it means to face the Monday blues. cmnt

[9. 21. 09 // @ 10 : 44 pm] like always,  I will be alright, I just  know it. I will always be alright. I know at the end of the day, no matter whatever it is,no matter how hapless or useless I can be,  I rough it out all alone, all by myself. I have to. all by myself. Dear God, if need be, take me. Just let my mum be alright.  If You have to, punish me instead. Just let my mum be alright. read(+1)cmnt

[9. 20. 09 // @ 2 : 02 pm] so much feelings inside, so so so much but I am lost for words I don't know how to say them out all I can do is just keep them inside then you'll never know you'll never know cmnt

[9. 20. 09 // @ 1 : 37 am] amidst welcoming the festivity, i feel all melancholic. i have been searching for all those sappy movie clips on youtube. i am supposed to look forward to raya. i am supposed to look forward to bragging to all my relatives the fact that i am in NUS. but it feels just like any other night. i don't feel like doing anything but just curl in my little space. to top if off, it's one of those days when i feel ugly too. read(+1)cmnt

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